Wednesday, 29 March 2017

ECG Test, A&E and Mental Health

So yesterday was eventful to say the least. Started off the day with an ECG and blood test. The blood test was to see if I was Anemic as I had fainted / blacked out a few weeks ago before, which wasn't the first time, but I also kept having dizzy spells. And the ECG because I said I sometimes get chest pains and discomfort, which I anyway put down to panic and anxiety. 

As I went about my day normally, until about 6pm to then get called back by my doctor to go to A&E as my ECG results came back abnormal. 

Not being told much about why and what further tests they needed to do, I went to A&E blind, and quite frankly scared as anything. *Note to self* In future, do not google things, as it doesn't actually help the situation.

So when I arrived at A&E, it suddenly clicked even more so 'wait, this isn't the drop in centre is it, this is actually the accident and EMERGENCY department, so now my anxiety is kicking in full speed. 

Long story short, I had to have another two ECG tests, I had to sit in the waiting area in between being seen with the stickers all over me, looking like some kind of experiment. Turns out my doctor never sent the hospital my first ECG reading, so the hospital didn't actually know what they found that was wrong in the first one. 

This whole time I still had no idea what was happening, and the doctors at first all seemed to be making out like I've just invited myself for a day out. Like when he asked about me fainting, and if I had been drinking, I said one pint (I rarely drink anymore, and when I do it's one drink, maybe two), for some reason he didn't believe this, and looked at me as if because the youth of today like to go out and get smashed, that this is what I had done, and was the reason I blacked out, which to be honest I didn't appreciate and it did tick me off a bit.

By this point, I was convinced I was going to be kept in over night. But after meeting with the doctor for the twelfth time to discuss my 3rd ECG, he says that theres nothing major to worry about - which was relieving news, but there is something odd about my results that isn't quite normal, but nothing to really worry about. I kinda get it, but it's hard to explain.

But so they can see what this little bit is all about, I've been told to do a 24 heart monitoring test to get a clearer look at my heart rate. Which means wearing a little machine thing for 24 hours and going about my day. 

What makes me sad, is that this whole time no one mentioned other pretty natural causes of this, such as anxiety and stress, which is something I've always suffered from. And I really hope that's what it is down to, but every one seems to push aside mental illness - because if you can't see it, it must not be real right? Surely, if they get to the bottom of it and realise that is the case, surely that rings alarm bells to actually take me more seriously, as a human being.

I got let out about 12, but I have never been so relieved to see the outside world, and never been so happy to come home. 

Has anyone else out there had a similar or same experience?

Sunday, 26 March 2017

I'm Still Learning Things About Myself

I'm feeling rather reflective today mixed with a tad touch of positive; something that perks up now and then, but usually takes a backseat. I think I focus too much on the things that consume me, you could call them bad parts, but in some respect they can actually reflect as positives themselves. 

What the hell am I on about, you are probably wondering. I'm not one to go on about my struggles, because every one has struggles themselves to some degree, and I am a pretty reserved person. Well actually, I am a very reserved person. But these past few days It's hit me, that maybe the worrying, anxious, sad part inside me, which I have struggled with my whole life, in some ways makes me a better person.

Of course, I would give anything to extinguish that part of me, but reality is, even when I find a way to keep these things at bay, it is always someway going to be a part of me, I will now and then have an off day, which is okay, It's just about finding a way to control it. 


Half finished vases
I've realised how much creativity can help me. It really lets your mind go, and it's the only real thing I've found where I can concentrate, and switch my thoughts off completely, almost like a trance. By making things, and letting my creativity flow, and having something to show at the end of it, is giving me a real buzz. I've tried lots of things, reading, exercise, playing games, watching TV, etc, but other than music, this is the one thing that i'm finding relaxes me. 

I spent this weekend painting a pair of vases for my Mom, for Mothers Day. It's kept me busy this weekend, it's been something i've enjoyed a lot, and something that's in the end given me satisfaction, to give something I created to someone else.


So, the positives, and in no way am I blowing my own trumpet. I've realised how much of a caring human being I actually am. I've realised that though I may worry a lot, about pretty much every mortal thing and more, I worry because I care (most of the time). With things regarding people closest to me, I worry because I care about them. 

I'm compassionate. This would probably get on peoples nerves from time to time, but I like to look after people, and animals. I think those who have struggled before, know how to deal with others who also struggle, because we know the pain that the other person may be feeling, and I think that is a beautiful thing. We should build each other up, not break each other down. 

I'm a great listener. I struggle with human interaction, I have accepted that only in recent years. But just because I may not talk very much at times, doesn't mean I don't listen to others. As I said, i'm not really one to talk about my feelings and thoughts to just anyone, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm definitely someone who would give the time of day to listen to anyone about the wonders of their world. 

Like I said in my title, i'm still learning things about myself, just like everyone else. 

Friday, 10 March 2017

Too Faced // Melted Matte Liquid Lipsticks

Top - Bottom, Left - Right:
Queen B, Child Star, Sell Out, Evil Twin, Lady Balls.
Swatches in ambient lighting.
Top - Bottom, Left - Right: Evil Twin, Queen B, Sell Out, Child Star, Lady Balls.
Swatches in natural light
Top - Bottom, Left - Right: Evil Twin, Queen B, Sell Out, Child Star, Lady Balls.

I've been wanting to do a post on these Too Faced Melted Matte Lipsticks for a while, but was waiting to slightly expand my collection first. 

I've found it hard to find a liquid lipstick collection that I can 100% get along with, it's been a roller coaster of a journey, first world problems at it's finest. There are a few minor faults in these, they are not perfect (what is?), but I can safely say, I do see eye to eye with these.

First lets start with the few faults I have found. 

Child Star - out of the 5 I currently own, this is the only one to give me real bad cracking problems. No matter how much I have exfoliated my lips and done all the prepping under the sun, it's still cracking. I'd like to know if anyone else has found this or if it's just me. But as I said I haven't had that problem with any of the other shades, so far.

Application - I've found these a little harder to apply neatly than other liquid lipsticks. I think this is a personal preference, because although I've heard a lot of comments on how Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipsticks are harder to apply, I actually find Kat's easier to apply than these. However, I can live with this, it's probably a practice thing. 

Lady Balls - I have worn this a lot. I wore this for 12 hours straight on the day of my boyfriends Moms wedding, and it did me proud. But the last time I wore this, it bled, everywhere, good times. I had never had this problem before, I will put it to a bad day (for now) 

On to the fun part, let me tell you why the few faults I found are now completely irrelevant. 

Packaging - Yes, the packaging is cute, but I actually love how the packaging colours are almost identical to the shade of the lipstick. Very handy Andy. 

Lasting Power - As I already briefly mentioned, I wore these for pretty much 12 hours straight and it lasted through food and a lot of drinks, with the minor touch up throughout the day. 

Pigmentation - A little goes a long way, with just one swipe you get great coverage. 

Texture - These feel great on, even after wearing them through out the day, they don't feel thick or sticky, like most liquid lipsticks do. They glide on perfectly and they stay that way. They don't flake either (like I found the KVD Everlasting ones did).

And if you take anything from this, know that I will be buying more in the future, so that's obviously something to go by! x

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Cloud Connected

I should have warned you on the terrible pictures, but I still have no tripod or the confidence to venture out and pose in the outside world, properly. That will come i'm sure. Never the less, I have stumbled across some awesome clothes lately, and want to share them. Like this Primark denim jacket that was the price of a couple of packets of crisps and a Mars bar. 

Jacket // Primark (£15)
Long Sleeve // Motel 
Jeans // Asos
Shoes // Vans
Choker // Wanderdusk
Socks // Primark

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

March Wishlist

Deary me, where is the year going. 
(Basically just started this post like a letter). I have already completed a grand total of 0 of my 2017 goals, or even started for that matter. I'd really love to do some outfit posts soon, It's just gaining to confidence to do them - I really don't like being in front of a camera, but i'd love to pluck up the nerve to do some properly. Until that eureka moment, here goes the monthly gathering of fascinating fabrical finds. I just made that up.  

Pull & Bear // Gingham Skater Skirt 

I've been hovering over the purchase button for a few hours now. I keep going back to it, but I can't justify the four pound postage right now for the sake of a 10 pound skirt. 

Impericon // In Flames Tee

I've always loved In Flames, but recently I've seemed to have rekindled my love for them, and it's currently on fire.. In Flames in fact (dad joke). I've never owned one of their shirts though, I've been trying to find a Clayman shirt, but can't find one, so if anyone is reading this and knows where to find one, please hit me up. 

Primark // Denim Jacket


I found this whilst browsing online, so haven't actually scouted it out in store yet. But they also have this in a dark blackish colour, which I'm keen to go find. At 15 pounds you can't really complain. 

Motel // Oversized Shirt

It comes in two colours at the moment, so be sure to check out the green / red one also on the Motel site, which I currently own. I loved it so much though that I feel the need to own them both. Be warned though, I am a size 8- 10 and the XS was still oversized for me, which is the one I went for. But it's the perfect oversized. 

Boohoo // Striped Bodysuit

Give me stripes any day of the week. I love this casual bodysuit, perfect to pair with some mom jeans!

Boohoo // Bleached Cold Shoulder Tee

A band-style t-short, but without the band. I can live with this. Plus bleached black tee's look awesome. Dream on Dreamer (the band) did some a little while ago, always wanted one, never got one. Never will. -sad face- ,

Monday, 6 March 2017

Saviour - Let Me Leave

After the break up of Saviour in 2014, which brought heartbreak to us all, they announced their return last year. Okay, so they weren't gone for too long, but it sure felt like long enough. Because there was something about this band that just screamed they had so much more to give, and that we hadn't even seen the best of them yet, that's how I felt at least. 

This album is like a new chapter for Saviour. There are some changes to their sound, which isn't so much of a change that they might as well scrap the band name and start again, but in a way in which it is subtle and somewhat refreshing. 

The most obvious change to note, which isn't as such different but more emphasised is the voice of Shontay Snow. The permanent arrival of Shontay I think in fact is used to it's advantage. I absolutely love her voice, and if you have heard any of Saviours previous releases where she makes appearances, I think you will agree when I say her voice adds a touch of beauty and delicacy.

My only downfall is that now I feel like I want more of Bryant and a little less of Shontay, as I feel like Saviour sounds more like her band, where Bryant is adding to the songs, rather than the other way around. 

Don't get me wrong though, I think this album is fantastic, and I appreciate it for that it is, just like I do First Light To My Death Bed and Once We Were Lions. I'm glad to see them back, and I'm even more glad to see that they've still got it, and have come back with a fresh take on their sound.